Dear Ellis,

This isn’t actually about my moustache, it’s about my girlfriends. She has one – not a major one, granted, but it is there. She used to bleach it but she says that as it gets colder, the skin around her upper lip gets more sensitive and the bleaching process hurts more. I don’t want to be a macho dick but I don’t like it – would it be rude to ask her to somehow get rid of it? It’s gross and embarrasing.

Jack

Dear Jack,

You are an insolent, obnoxious prick – NEVER in my entire carreer of being a moustache expert (that’s 25 years and counting), have I come across someone as ridiculously self-centred as you. Have you thought about the fact that perhaps your girlfriend LIKES her moustache? A moustache is a blessing no matter who’s face it chooses to grace. Plus… She’s in pain god damn it! Have some sympathy! I will say no more on the issue, I’m too disgusted. You should be ashamed of yourself.

Ellis.

PS in answer to your question YES IT WOULD BE RUDE!

Got moustache mishaps you need solved? Send your questions to: moustache.ellis@googlemail.com

In a worrying development we recently came across a Facebook group called ‘Women Against Moustaches’.

Their mission statement reads: “If you appreciate classical beauty and want men to stay handsome – say no to moustache!”

They put a picture of Michelangelo’s David up as an example of the kinda guy they’re after. The ideal candidate should then be stacked, naked and, as he’s made of stone, the perfect listener.

So far they’ve got about 8 fans – including us, but we just joined to keep tabs on them.