Dear Ellis,

This isn’t actually about my moustache, it’s about my girlfriends. She has one – not a major one, granted, but it is there. She used to bleach it but she says that as it gets colder, the skin around her upper lip gets more sensitive and the bleaching process hurts more. I don’t want to be a macho dick but I don’t like it – would it be rude to ask her to somehow get rid of it? It’s gross and embarrasing.

Jack

Dear Jack,

You are an insolent, obnoxious prick – NEVER in my entire carreer of being a moustache expert (that’s 25 years and counting), have I come across someone as ridiculously self-centred as you. Have you thought about the fact that perhaps your girlfriend LIKES her moustache? A moustache is a blessing no matter who’s face it chooses to grace. Plus… She’s in pain god damn it! Have some sympathy! I will say no more on the issue, I’m too disgusted. You should be ashamed of yourself.

Ellis.

PS in answer to your question YES IT WOULD BE RUDE!

Got moustache mishaps you need solved? Send your questions to: moustache.ellis@googlemail.com

Dear Ellis,

I recently grew a moustache, I also recently got a new girlfriend. Everything about our relationship so far has been amazing, although there’s one thing that’s really bothering me… My girlfriend loves the feeling of my moustache on her … which is great but the odour that ensues after the act… Not so much! It sometimes takes me days to get rid of it, by which time she will have wanted me to go down there again… What do I do? I feel as though it’s too early in our relationship to be brutally honest… HELP!

Muncher

Dear Muncher,

That is a tricky (and sticky) situation you’re in but not to worry,  there are ways around it. The first would be to suggest or lure your girlfriend into having a shower with you before you hit the bedroom (if the smell is as bad as you say it is this is probably a  good idea regardless of your moustache issue). Another thing you could do is try scented wax on your moustache – it will essentially just cover up the smell but better than nothing, right?! … I’m particularly fond of this gin and tonic scented one from Man’s Face Stuff, and hey on the plus side the two smells might actually go together – you’ll feel like you’re in a Paris brothel circa 1920! If neither of those appeal, just bite the bullet and tell the girl, she’s not worth the stench if she can’t take the truth…

www.mansfacestuff.com

Got moustache mishaps you need solved? Send your questions to: moustache.ellis@googlemail.com